Earlier today my 5 year old daughter told me that it was hard to be a kid, and asked me if I even remembered being one. I was busy creating an activity calendar for her babysitter, so I kind of brushed off her comment. But she wouldn’t let it go.
“Why aren’t you saying anything back?” she asked. “When you don’t say anything back, I feel like you don’t care about me.” And then she said, “It’s hard to tell grown-ups the truth. I try to say what happened but they don’t let me.”
How you listen to people shapes what they think about you. And apparently my daughter felt that I didn’t care about what she had to say. So I put down the calendar and started listening, really listening.
How do you listen? Do you let people get their messages out? Here are 3 tips to get you started on becoming a better listener:
Listen with Openness – When talking to someone, resist the urge to believe that you already know what happened. That you’ve heard it all before. To build trust, the other person needs to feel that you want to listen to them, really listen to them. He or she does not want to feel that you have already made up your mind and are just waiting for your turn to talk. So, commit to hearing the whole story.
Paraphrase What the Other Person Says: Show the other person you are listening by paraphrasing (not parroting) his or her major concerns. To paraphrase means to state in your own words what you think someone just said. Paraphrasing is absolutely essential to good listening. It keeps you busy trying to understand the other person, instead of interrupting with contradictions or unsolicited advice. You can paraphrase by using such lead-ins as: “What I hear you saying is…” “In other words…” “So basically you felt that…” “Let me understand, what was happening was…” “What happened was…” “Do you mean…?”
Ask Questions – If paraphrasing isn’t going so well, ask clarifying questions. Your intention is to understand what’s being said, so ask for more information, more background. Asking questions lets the other person know that you’re interested, and it sends the message “I’m willing to work at knowing and understanding you.” What a compliment!
Think about a person you habitually interrupt and commit to trying at least one of these techniques. You will be pleasantly surprised by his or her reaction.
The Institute for Conscious Dialogue teaches practical communication strategies and processes that can be quickly incorporated into your everyday life. Get started today by downloading your free gift!
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